Welcome

13.08.2023

feeling a lot less depressed now but very self-reflective. I feel like a bizarre conflict of nature and nurture. as a child and in an environment I'm comfortable in I'm very free-spirited, curious, adventerous, hungry for knowledge and overwhelmingly positive- but was nurtured into making myself small, finding comfort in social camouflage and looking enough like Generic Person to blend into a crowd (the nail that sticks up gets hammered down), doubting everything I did and being driven by anxiety and fear. people around me, being out in the open (exposed! dangerous!), myself as a vessel and myself as a being. fear was my driving emotion for so many years that it's so strange to operate without it.

when I first arrived in Germany I had to re-learn how to be part of a family unit. I've lived on my own (or with roommates, which are decidedly Not Family) for just about ten years now. it was weird being around other people so often, not jumping at hearing someone else nearby, not having to polish my appearance to acceptable standards before letting myself be percieved by others. i'm incredibly vain- if fear was my primary emotion, vanity was a close second. i'm letting people see me unfiltered and they don't give a shit. it's wonderful.

for some reason one of the hardest things to adjust to was having other people be there for me. my car broke down and Tante gave me rides. the car needed new parts and I ordered them and she's taking care of the cost of repairs. I wanted to paint my door red and she took me to the store to buy can after can of spray paint because jesus christ did I suck severe ass at painting it. instead of being given below the bare minimum and being told I should be grateful for that much I'm just... allowed to have things. I've been getting really into computers so we went and bought some canned air and thermal paste so I can clean out everyone's laptops. I love the idea of my Fridge page here on the site so we've gone out of our way to find more novelty energy drinks for me to gif up and post. any snack or special treat I want for myself at the grocery store is just bought for me without question- I tried to be very firm about buying some fancy cheese with my own money as a special luxury and was told that that's just not how it works here. despite costing the household money in food and utilities and getting pretty much anything I could want or need, I also get a monthly allowance to pay for gas and then whatever stuff I might want to order online. I'm trying to be useful at least- I mowed and trimmed the yard, fixed the mailbox slot that's been broken since they bought the house over a decade ago, lend the ocassional muscle when furniture needs to be moved around, babysit the resident moody teenager whenver Tane and Y want to go do something fun, that sort of thing. I'm not sure if it's enough but I think that's the point. they care about me anyways and enjoy being around me and want to provide for me because I'm part of the family now and that's something I haven't had for a really long time.

when I first moved here I was very insecure about a lot of things- being in a new country, speaking a new language that I'm still not the greatest at, starting a new job, and re-learning how to be part of a family unit which I haven't had since I was 14. sure, I love my Mum, but when I moved out of her place it wasn't exactly to a loving and caring environment, and I grew up very quickly between then and when I moved out of my sperm donor's house when I was freshly 17. I asked for permission to do everything- in part because to me "being a part of a family" meant taking on the role of a child, and I wasn't sure how to be an adult in a family, and partly because during the traumatic period of my adolescence it was my job to figure out the unspoken rules. there were spoken rules, sure, but there were unspoken ones on top of that, and hidden exceptions to the explicit rules. you could break some of them if you were sneaky enough about hiding it, or it was at least clear that there was an attempt to be discreet instead of just brazenly doing whatever the fuck I wanted. now I'm settling into my new role here and it's really nice. I have a unique individual relationship with each person in the house and they're very different from each other but all very good. it's refreshing. despite the bumpy start I'm finally getting my confidence back.

09.08.2023

feeling pretty fuckin down lately. walked to the store and bought some snacks which was kinda nice and finally took a shower. been snapping at Y a lot which I feel super bad about.

05.08.2023

at work again! showed up and there was nobody with my assigned group but it felt really nice to kinda know what's going on already and make coffee, set the table, call people to come to the group room to hang out and watch TV when it was ready, etc

I really like my coworkers, we have a really fun back-and-forth of them teaching me German and me teaching then a few words of English in return. they get a kick out of trying to nail the pronunciation (and it is very funny when they try to one-up each other on hard words like squirrel and water bottle but to be fair English is a fucking clown language)

(actually I don't believe a not clown language exists. the German word for gloves literally translates to "hand shoes")

anyways I got to spend some time with my favorite group and it was a blast. I only stayed for four hours (they're going on a trip to a bunch of doctor appointments tomorrow so early bedtime) but my coworker J assured me that it's not a big deal if I can't work while my car is fucked because I'm working voluntarily before my contract actually starts on the first which was a HUGE relief. getting to understand a lot more German in general but especially how to interact with people that have speech difficulties- one of the biggest challenges with this job so far because my understanding is already not great with it being a second language even when people do speak clearly and slowly, but I'm starting to pick up on how to communicate with everyone and it's fast progress.

04.08.2023

hey whats up its ya boi

I spent forever trying to figure out how to get a functioning blog to work and then realized I can just fuckin add new entries at the top whenever I want to write something and you can scroll down to see older posts. fuckin genius. clearly I'm very very good at this website stuff

anyways yesterday was my second day of work and my car died which sucks absolute shit. tante M had to give me a ride to work which is kind of a hit to the ol' ego at my big age having my new adoptive auntie drive me around but whatever. I have to leave for work here in a few minutes actually idk why they scheduled me until 10pm last night and then at 8am this morning

now at work, needless to say I'm p fuckin tired but only have like three hours left

I really like my job so far but I'm literally only on day 3 so like. we'll see. kinda already committed to a year of this though so even if I hate it I gotta deal BUT all the residents I've interacted with have been really sweet except one dude who is notoriously racist but like. old dude in Germany, if he wasn't directly influenced by Nazi shit his parents for sure were, and changing your mindset on the stuff you're raised with is hard enough when you're old without the additional struggle of being intellectually disabled so I can't really fault him for it. day two with him was already a lot better anyways, he definitely seems like the type to hate a group in theory because he's been taught they're bad but once he actually interacts with them he's like oh well ok you're chill as an individual

I'm glad that I've spent some time in online disability spaces to have a bit of context on various needs like mobility devices, thickening agent for fluids, etc. definitely gonna read up more on standards of care so I can help everyone the best I can